THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK

6 April 2021 – About Narcissism – Part 5 (End):

Bianca Verbeek is the author of “Malignant”; her debut and formative novel about the heavenly hell and hellish heaven of narcissism. She is a multiple experiential expert in this field; she also provides lectures, meetings and question-fires (hours) about narcissism and narcissistic abuse.

Her mission in life is to put (hidden) narcissism and codependency on the map. The article below is the final piece in her series for ggz.nl, the national website of Dutch Mental Health Care, about recognizing narcissism.

How do narcissists get under the skin, into the heads, hearts and souls of others?

A more and less subtle way of brainwashing occurs. Very insidious, very unnatural and very malicious. They often come across as nice, likable, and charismatic, but behind that mask hides their true, very harmful, nature.

People without a disorder do not think or act like someone with a narcissistic personality disorder. That is why it is so difficult to understand this matter and, as a layman, to realize very quickly what is actually happening. One simply cannot grasp it, it is absolutely unbelievable… and inconsistent. Above all, totally surreal.

In order to “understand” it, you would also have to be “like that”. In fact, victims should count their blessings that they do not understand it, but as humans we are often so composed that we want to get the “why question” answered. We look for explanations, but we will never find them.

Victims or prey are confused by an abnormal and contradictory way of “communicating”. Many start to doubt their own perceptions, because they assume normal forms of interaction and communication.

Another is expected to have the same pure intentions and feelings as themselves and to live an equally altruistic, honest, sincere and loving life. Unfortunately, that is anything but the case with narcissism. It is abnormal, toxic, and it harms people very seriously psychologically and no less often as a result, directly or indirectly, including physically.

Because (hidden) narcissists are unfortunately not immediately recognizable on the outside (there is no warning triangle on their forehead) and the substantive knowledge about narcissism is not yet properly integrated into society, it is often too late before someone is informed about it (if that already happens) and can defend and arm oneself against it. Then the damage has already been done. Then the victims have already lost themselves and their children often too.

Everyone projects sometimes, consciously or otherwise. Experiences and emotions from the (recent) past then influence opinions and reactions, as a result of which your reaction is no longer entirely objective; it has been affected by a frame of reference of that experience or that emotion from the past. So far so good.

Projective identification, also referred to as primitive projection or gaslighting, is a way of denying or concealing qualities and emotions of oneself by attributing them to something or someone else. These manipulations, in order to fearlessly and unfairly blame someone or something else for something, to make the other doubt himself, to make them become identified with the narcissist in the long run, to allow the other to change over time without the person or anyone noticing, is elevated into a form of art by (hidden) narcissists.

It is the reversal of the actual facts and circumstances. To claim the opposite. Taking it completely out of context. Denying the background and references and attributing them to the other as the “new and absolute” truth.

People are accused of things that the narcissists do themselves. Even demonstrable facts! It’s the world upside down. It’s mind fucking, brainwashing. It is the basis of emotional and psychological abuse. The tools with which narcissists get their victims out of balance do the rest. In this Booby trap, victims are accused, ignored, denied, devalued, isolated from family and friends, threatened, pathologically lied to, belittled, insulted, indoctrinated, denigrated, but also appeased, complimented and glorified. The combination of these manipulation tactics is called gaslighting, equivalent to the process of projective identification (primitive projection).

A common example is that narcissists accuse their partners of cheating, while the (hidden) narcissist is actually the one who is guilty of infedility. With a poker face, narcissists accuse others of anything and everything. For example, they accuse their partner of taking care of the children badly, whilst it is actually the narcissist who hardly looks after the children and cannot tolerate anything from the children. Or it is said, “I feel much better without you!” You already feel it coming … not!

Or “It’s all your fault.” While they know very well that that’s not the case at all. Without any mercy they force the other to wear their sackcloth and their ashes. Or, “You’re a borderliner,” “You’re a narcissist,” or “Look at how you react, do you think that’s normal?” These are all famous statements by narcissists to partners and others.

In conflictive divorces they often delay the procedure and want to make it look like the ex-partner is doing that. They also invent fallacies why the person would do that in a split of a second. They are enormously resourceful and many of their victims are buying their crocodile tears and their victimized positions. Narcissists put themselves in the spotlight as a victim instead of what they actually are: the perpetrator, the culprit…

It’s very unnatural and it does a lot to victims of emotional and psychological abuse, who often want to understand it. The easiest way to understand it is to place a mirror between the conversation partners, naturally with the mirror side facing the narcissist, revealing that the narcissists are in fact talking about themselves.

If you talk to narcissists about their behavior, they will lie flat out about their own share and will deny everything without any shame.

You have to be ready to walk into court and declare a hung jury, so to speak; narcissists will persist in their convictions and / or will give a turn to the conversation by using a word salad. They could even fool a lie detector.

They also do not turn their backs on manufacturing or manipulating so-called evidence themselves. They don’t shy away from anything. Neither from cutting and pasting texts in WhatsApp, in text messages and in e-mails. The sky is the limit, albeit in a negative sense in their case..

They do things that other people do not consider possible or serious; therefore, others often can simply not believe or understand it: “Why does someone do such a thing? Why would you do it?
It’s not normal, is it? Isn’t that mean? This can not be true.”

Victims worry about it. They often keep asking themselves: “Why? Was I ever good enough?
Did he / she ever really love me?” The answer is: “NO!” People with this personality disorder are not capable of loving someone.

They are unable to connect. People in their environment must be functional, instrumental so to speak. Have a role. Be useful.
Narcissists, for example, also convince others, including employees of organizations such as Youth Care, the Child Care and Protection Board, psychologists and by extension also judges. By turning everything around, narcissists commit character assassination, so that their own true face does not come to light and is, as it were, glued to the other. To do this, they abuse existing laws and regulations and the lack of knowledge and experience among professionals with regard to this invisible and intangible psychology.

So when you turn things around, you are often able to decipher the truth. The pot calling the kettle black! However, it is done in such an ingenious way that without much knowledge and experience it is not easy to single out a person with a cluster B personality disorder. It is not uncommon for the narcissist to maintain and persist in the projective identification. This is obviously very frustrating for the victims, who often get additionally stuck with a feeling of injustice, anxiety and mood symptoms and physical malheur.

Wound up and drained, not to mention the incomprehension of the outside world! That is often “the second rape” for the victims. With this impotence they have nowhere to turn. There is hardly any recognition and acknowledgment for these people.

Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or other Cluster B Personality Disorders have been shown to be able to do so without remorse or regret. For their victims and for lay people, this also belongs to the category: incomprehensible.

No ratio can withstand this all-overwhelming and unstoppable mechanism, namely projective identification.

“It takes two to tango”, as in both parties involved in a situation or argument are equally responsible for it, does not apply to relationships with people with a narcissistic personality structure. Normal communication as one would expect between two adults will never come about.

The narcissist is the cause, the invisible problem.